Residents who were anticipating a new blinged-out tractor for summer farm work will have to wait an undetermined length of time before they can place their order at Blakey’s Custom Tractor Shop on Farm Hill. This is thanks to a mysterious vortex that has appeared over the shop. Bill Blakey, the owner, has closed the shop until the vortex closes. “The vortex is scarier looking than it is dangerous,” Blakey assures us. “However, our customers couldn’t hear our salespeople over all the apocalyptic thunder.” Blakey’s shop isn’t the only one affected by the vortex. The Center for Technical Writers of Cradensburg, located next door, has temporarily shut its doors until the paranormal weather clears. Kimberley Trinket, a spokesperson for the center, is taking it all in stride. “We have special underwriting in our insurance that covers mysterious vortexes. While I’m sure we may lose some business, our writers appreciate the time off to stare at other walls, fall down research holes, and get zero writing done in new and exotic locales.” For now, your new chrome trimmings will have to wait.

In 1976 when then Cradensburg mayor, Wilma Watkins-Watoosie, came up with the Parade of Llamas, Watkins-Watoosie stated that the reason for the parade was a simple one. “If you could have a parade of llamas, why wouldn’t you have a parade of llamas?” Since then, Cradensburg mayors have exercised the prerogative to throw a llama parade whenever it is politically convenient for them. Critics of Mayor Winnabee say that llamas are "a form of distraction" and cite the long relationship between embroiled politicians and these four-footed fluffy beasts. While it’s true that everyone loves llamas and the sight of one thousand llamas trouncing through town while chewing, sneezing, and sometimes spitting, can bring a sense of local pride, some residents take issue with what happens after the parade has left town. “I had to take a high pressure hose to my car tires,” one resident complained. “One thousand llamas generate a lot of—well, manure—in a four hour parade.” Some residents have pointed to the timing of the parade as a sign that Mayor Winnabee is nervous about reelection thanks to current crime spree of book burglaries, but Mayor Winnabee resists the characterization. “Look, it’s just your ordinary parade of a thousand llamas. The kids love it and what even marks the beginning of summer like a bunch of llamas. This is good, clean, Cradensburg fun at its best and part of a long tradition.” Local joggers and members of the Run from Monsters fitness club have complained that the llamas leave “landmines for days” and that llama farmers should fit the llamas with tail bags to reduce the mess. “That’s a wonderful idea,” said Mayor Winnabee. “Just one problem. Who says the llamas come from farmers? Who knows where these llamas come from at all?” Where these llamas come from, and who will clean up their mess are two questions some residents will consider this weekend. Most, however, will simply be happy to see all the happy, hairy llamas.

In late September of 2019, two members of The Society of New Hampshire found their friend, Mika Patel, unconscious outside a house on Horn Hill. She had been called by someone in the neighborhood to investigate the sighting of a ghostly moose in their backyard. “When it comes to ghostly moose, it’s not a call we get very often, but it’s also not a call that we would send more than one investigator out for. It was all preliminary,” says Brian, the current secretary and spokesperson for the respected volunteer organization which has been in existence for more than two hundred years. “Mika is one of our most powerful [investigators], there was no reason to think she’d be in more danger than she could handle.” An hour after Mika had left for the Horn Hill location, she stopped returning texts. Two hours later, other members of The Society began to worry. Two off-duty investigators who happened to live in the area, Jacko and Carl, circled the neighborhood to make sure nothing was out of the ordinary. They found her unconscious and crumpled beneath a beech tree a quarter mile from the home she was investigating. She gripped a switch from a blueberry bush, a practice customary to the society, in her hand. What happened and who could have had a hand in it has been a subject of speculation ever since. “Whatever anyone thinks of us, this is another example of how dangerous our work can be. We ask that people be careful when checking out paranormal phenomena on their own,” said Carl in 2019. Carl went missing almost a year later in the same Horn Hill neighborhood. Body parts identified by his then fiancée prompted the local police to close the missing persons case but failed to offer any insights as to what happened. The Society of New Hampshire has since been the subject of several police investigations. “The police are doing their job. We have welcomed their questioning and share their search for truth and public safety. People should not take the investigation as a sign that The Society has engaged in any wrong doing,” said the secretary. Mika was initially treated at Cradensburg hospital but was transferred to Dartmouth-Hitchcock for diagnostic care. She was then transferred to a local medical facility where she had been diligently looked after since February of 2020. On early Sunday morning, she woke up. Family members drove up from Manchester when they heard the news. What does a person who has spent two and a half years in a coma have to say? Silva, a cousin of Mika who runs a tiny food and furniture boutique for hamsters in Nashua, has given us some insight. “Like, she’s not talking much right now and a lot of what she says doesn’t make any sense. She keeps saying she was trapped between two worlds and was living in a closet full of pink pantsuits. I’m sure over time she’ll start making a lot more sense. But it’s just great to have my cousin back. She used to make the best s’mores. Perfect ratio of golden burnt marshmallow to white sticky marshmallow. It’s important to get that right and so few people do.”

More than a month ago, we reported that an autographed first printing of Interview With a Vampire had been stolen from the Eagon-Windeville-Tooton home on the historic Seventh Hill. No one could have known at the time that, within a matter of weeks, more than eleven different homes would have valuable, autographed copies of fantasy fiction masterworks stolen. Detective Amanda Fischer of the Cradensburg Police Department spoke to this reporter briefly following a weekend “blitz of burglary.” “At this point it’s possible that there is more than one person committing these crimes,” says Fischer. By and large, most of these burglaries have happened quickly without evidence of breaking or entering. The detective went on to say: “We have had a couple exceptions—possibly look-alike crimes—in which the suspect was surprised while in the act of stealing, but it’s hard to say that this was the same person.” In one instance the suspect got away but blended quickly into their environment “like a ninja.” Adding to the difficulty of the investigation is how the burglar selects their targets. Detective Fischer stated: “The victims are all from different walks of life. All they have in common is that they love fantasy novels and that they live in the Greater Cradensburg Area. Some of these victims have shared that they have valuable autographed masterworks with friends, but there isn’t any clear overlap in their social circles. One victim had posted their book for sale on eBay and maybe that is where the thief could have gotten their information. By and large, these books have been singular artifacts in people’s private collection. Without knowing how the thief or thieves are discovering the collections, we have little to go on.” Rumors leaked from an anonymous source at the Cradensburg Police Department have gone into circulation. Some residents claim that the burglaries are connected to a secret group of writers looking to “take over the world.” To this, Detective Fischer would give no comment. The Cradensburg Police Department requests that, if readers own an autographed copy of a fantasy masterwork, that they report that information to the PD in advance.

A recent spree of book theft has struck Cradensburg and left local detectives scratching their heads. It began on Seventh Hill when resident Jenifer Eagon-Windeville-Tooton was polishing her prestigious book-worm trophies and she discovered her autographed first printing of Interview with a Vampire was missing. “At first I thought that my husband, Ben, you know, Benjamin? Benjamin Eagon-Windeville-Tooton had taken it down and installed it in our underground bunker. After a few days of passing through the bunker’s security system, I found my husband stashing bottles of urine and cases of ibuprofen and he was as mystified as I was as to where my book could be.” Eagon-Windeville-Tooton called the police but the crime scene had already gone cold with any fingerprints or other DNA evidence having been polished away. Experts suggest her copy could be worth as much as $28,000 But local detectives would have their chance at catching the thief soon enough. Last week, Ashley Dyer of Horn Hill was the next to be struck. Her autographed copy of fantasy grandmaster Terry Brooks' The Elfstones of Shannara was stolen. This time detectives were not left without clues. Dyer herself provided a short list of names that police are systematically reviewing. Irving Beetlewood of Farm Hill is the latest resident to be struck. His autographed copy of Ursula LeGuin’s A Wizard of Earthsea has also gone missing. While the loss of such a valuable book is devastating, Beetlewood takes comfort in the fact that he was able to provide police with a description of the thief. This detail remains under wraps while the investigation is open. Cradensburg Police are asking residents to call the station with any tips, anonymous or otherwise, as to the location of the precious missing books or the identity of the thief.

Monday night’s reading of celebrated author Neil Gaiman’s work was an uproarious success to some. The many shops and local restaurants situated around the green enjoyed record numbers of visitors who thronged the center of town in their best Gaiman cosplay. Even the churches surrounding the town green report unheard of numbers of visitors when many took refuge from the raging fire under the steepled roofs. Fire Marshall, Tameka Swan, reported to the town council this morning that the town gazebo, installed in 1951, was destroyed beyond repair. She has also sat the entire council down, including Mayor Winnabee and his ineffable husband, Gary, and given them a firm talking to. “Have none of you heard of Smokey the Bear?” Commissioner Swan was reported to say. “Which one of you had the bright idea to put four hundred lit candles up under a gazebo? I have half a mind to arrest everyone one of y’all for arson. Good lord, what am I going to do with this town?” Whether or not the famous author attended the reading before the gazebo went up in flames is a hotly debated subject among the townsfolk. While there were many reported sightings of him, there were also large numbers of attendees who mistook the cosplay invitation as instructions to cosplay Gaiman himself. This led to many cases of mistaken identity and equally as many cases of mistaken applause by a crowd eagerly awaiting their favorite author. Contributing to the confusion, the town was hit by a late March snow squall which dumped several inches of fresh powder on everyone’s cosplay. “It’s like Halloween all over again!” one resident complained, shivering in her best Delirium cosplay. How the fire broke out, no one is certain. While many town residents are understandably distraught over the loss of our beloved gazebo, some think the fire was still worth it. It “raised their Instagram game to the next level.” A town meeting will be held the Wednesday after next, April 6th, at 6:00 pm to determine whether the town deserves another gazebo. Mayor Winnabee will also be holding a more informal vote on whether to claim the author Neil Gaiman as a “Local Artist.” As for this reporter, who arrived at the event with a view of the candlelit gazebo, stately pillar candles lining the length of the town green, and the quiet buzz of a crowd full of Angel Islingtons, I can only say the night was lit.

Thanks to the many sightings through Cradensburg of world-renown novelist, Neil Gaiman, the Cradensburg Town Council in coordination with the Cradensburg Book-Lovers Society, the Cradensburg Town Library, and the Cosplay-to-Death Cosplay Group have recently launched a plan to extend a warm welcome to the novelist. Neil Gaiman—or, as some skeptics insist, an incredible likeness of him—has been spotted in the following places throughout Cradensburg: • Outside the restrooms at Mr. Morgan’s Food Emporium and Things Nicely Priced • In the graveyard behind Local College • In a mail truck • Digging through the dumpster behind the health clinic • Suspended upside down from the ceiling of the Stuff Someone Threw Away Boutique The Town of Cradensburg et al have not been able to reach the author to extend this warm welcome and so would like to publicly invite him to celebrate his love of all things Cradensburg. The Town Council cordially invites Mr. Gaiman to be the guest of honor at a candlelit reading of his material at the gazebo on the town green this Monday, March 28th starting at 6:00 p.m. Attendance is free, cosplay is strongly suggested. Mayor Winnabee and his husband would like everyone to know that they are already planning to cosplay the ineffable husbands so don’t even try it.

Cradensburg residents may have noted that, despite all the newsworthy events that have been generated in the last several months, the town website has been free of updates. Some residents have even gone so far as to hound journalist Geoffrey Lin and accuse him of slacking on his job. However, Lin—who has penned this article—has not been the one who has dropped the ball. Instead, that fault lies with the town exchequer, Mr. Bertram Bunkle-Fourier, who has not paid the bill for previous articles written citing them as “superfluous and frivolous expenditures.” After much deliberation, the past due balance has now been paid and articles will resume following payment. Depending on the speed of payment, residents may find articles retroactively appearing on the website for events that have already passed. Again, this is all depending on payment. If a meteor hits the town and it is not reported here, please call your local town clerk and tell them to pay the bill. Things written do not write themselves. Better yet, if you would like to see the Town of Cradensburg website grow in its abilities to serve the local population as well as improve tourism numbers, feel free to attend the Town Meeting tonight to vote on whether the office of the exchequer deserves a pay raise. As a journalist, my job is not to tell you how to vote, but to simply give you the relevant data. What: Town Meeting & No-Weapons Barred Cage Fight Where: Town Hall, Roosevelt Room When: 7:00 p.m. Topic: Pay raises for office of the exchequer Who can attend: Any local resident over the age of 18 Refreshments will be provided but no food or drink is allowed.

Ashley Dyer of Horn Hill has a conundrum and would like your help. Thursday night of last week, Ashley woke to disconcerting screams coming from her backyard. "At first I thought it was my neighbor, there are always weird sounds coming from her house, but I looked out in my backyard and found my tiered-enclosed gazebo was covered with chickens. And my patio. And my garden shed. And my Napoleon Prestige grill. And my creative paper lanterns. Chickens were everywhere." Ashley Dyer and her nephew, Raheed Joiner, who has recently come to Cradensburg to study chemistry at The Local College, went outside to see what was behind the sudden appearance of these strange white and green chickens. Upon sight of the two human residents, the chickens began to scream. "It sounded like it was straight from the pit o' hell," said Raheed. "If they see you, even if you're just in the window looking out, they start screaming." I spoke to several prominent chicken farmers who have gone on record to say that they've never heard of a chicken variety that screams. "It could exist. There's a lotta chickens out there," says Marvin Peek, owner of Titus Chicken Retreat on Farm Hill. "But I never heard of a chicken that screams. Sounds like something in their aura needs to be rectified. I recommend Himalayan pink salt." Both Ashley and Raheed have described the scream as something like a fisher's scream or a red fox. "But much louder. When they scream, you can feel it in your soul." They're not the only ones who have complained about the terrifying quality of the scream, many neighbors from all over Horn Hill have called in to the police and to the town to report the harrowing disturbance. The town, however, has not proved much help. Police officers drove out to address the disturbance and request that Ashley Dyer quiet her chickens or face their removal. "We would love it if they would remove the birds," said Ashley. "Please. Someone come and take these birds away." Ashley attempted to file an official police report, but there currently is no local laws against chickens descending from nowhere and taking up residence in your backyard. For now, the residents of Horn Hill will have to liberally apply patience and noise canceling foam to the situation and hope that the chickens will leave as quickly as they appeared. If you have any information on where these chickens may have come from or what breed of chickens have teeth, town police are taking anonymous tips.